Night #2

He. Tricked. Me.

I have been duped. Conned. Suckered. It's not the first time, and certainly it won't be the last time, Ethan has outsmarted me. But this one seems to be almost premeditated. He waited on his chance, and then pounced.

Last night, as is our new routine, we snuggled on the sofa and watched a little tv before the dreaded trip up the stairs to bed. He asked me several times in a scared little voice if it was time to go up yet. Every time I heard that tremor in his voice, my heart broke a little. I had almost decided that it just wasn't worth it. That I was not being a good mother by sticking to my guns and making my son sleep in his own bed. That I was, in fact, being a horrible mother by torturing my son with something that obviously scared him so badly.

I pulled myself together and we took the dreaded walk up the stairs. I noticed that he did not hesitate on the stairs, but I assumed he was finally accepting his "punishment". I did think it was odd when he launched himself into the bed and dove under the covers with such enthusiasm. But what really struck me as not quite right, was the giant grin I saw on his face before it disappeared under the covers! It was just a brief glimpse, but it was there!

I asked him if he liked sleeping upstairs and, because it is not in his nature yet to lie under direct questioning, he nodded his head yes.

And there it is. I have completely underestimated my kid. Again. The torture and guilt I have been putting myself through for the last couple of months was ALL of my own doing. He was sleeping on the floor in my room because I let him get away with it. Plain and simple. Yes, there was some fear there I am sure, but not the horror that I imagined he must be feeling. I was so scared that I would scar him for life by not protecting him from this fear. Instead of helping him face his fears, I enabled him to hide from them. What kind of scar is that going to be, I wonder. What kind of personality trait have I helped him to develop? Did he Know that he was taking advantage of me? Do I still have to take him to Going Bonkers as his reward?